Win Today

#223 | How To Become Friends With Pain

• Season 5

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Pain isn’t the enemy—it’s the teacher. Ryan shares how to build a positive relationship with pain, using it as fuel for focus, energy, and growth. Learn how simple mindset shifts, language cues, and habits can turn setbacks into strength and make you tougher without growing colder.

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SPEAKER_00:

2 45 in the morning or 7 o'clock at night with harder. None of it's hard. Hard is uh having cancer or when your dad dies or your best friend dies. Both does happen. This isn't hard. That's what I love to do. I love to feel the pain, they say make friends with pain and you'll never be alone.

SPEAKER_02:

Do hard things. Help one person. Be good and do good. Live a life of discipline, and you will always win. You have all the tools that you need to succeed. Welcome to Win Today.

SPEAKER_03:

Thank you so much for tuning in. My name is Ryan Cass, and I'm your host. My purpose in this world is to help push people further and harder than they believe possible and become unshakable in what matters most to them in their lives. Every week, you're gonna learn from either myself or renowned experts in their field, and we're gonna unveil pieces of our playbook to help you win today. Please, if you love the show, subscribe and share it with somebody that will benefit from it. Let's dig in. What if Pain was viewed as a protagonist versus an antagonist? In social settings, we can often revere pain as purely an antagonist, as pain is a bad thing, yet what if we created space to build a positive relationship with pain? What if pain could be viewed as a friend versus an enemy? What if pain could be viewed as one of the tools in your arsenal versus one of the weapons of your demise? This is all about building a positive relationship with pain and how we can view it as a force in our lives. I've found that I've been sharing a lot lately about how pain is a friend and how that's one of the hacks that I use, especially in endurance events and marathons, that when the going gets tough, because that's inevitable, it's only a matter of time before the feet hurt, before the quads hurt, before it's excruciatingly hot outside or in your body. That rather than looking at it as here's this bad thing that has now come upon me, what about here's this good thing that is helping me grow and is ultimately going to make me better? So I've shared this with a lot of friends over the years, but more so recently, that hey, when it gets tough, look at pain as your friend. So I figure, hey, what better timing to go ahead and release an episode on it and share more as to what built that belief system so that you can use some of it, could use all of it, but form something of your own so that when pain in fact visits you, whether it's an endurance event or in something meaningful in your life, that you can also have a more positive experience with it and experience the growth and ultimately keep pushing forward. So, what I ultimately believe is that when we view pain as a friend and a positive force, we can go further, we can unlock new energy, and ultimately we can discover a new and better and best version of ourselves. This first came to me several years ago when that beginning clip actually with Cameron Haynes, he was in a workout and he shared that hey, when you become friends with pain, you'll never be alone in life. So I remember that stuck with me. And then I also thought through, well, what does that actually mean? So here are the steps in my view as to how you can make pain your friend and shift your relationship with it. The the first thing is step back and identify a painful moment in your life. And this could be in a marathon, it can be in a tough season of life, it can be a breakup, it could be a variety of things. It doesn't need to purely go back to endurance because I also understand here that not everyone listening is an endurance athlete, and that's okay. But pain has likely paid a visit, or if not multiple visits, in everyone's life. So, what is one that is really, really memorable to you? And then with that, I want you to think about what happened afterwards. So if you've thought of that moment or you're ruminating on it right now, then think through did you make adjustments from this? Has it changed how you show up for yourself or for others? Has it changed how you train? Has it helped you develop a quality that you believe is a positive force in your life? Most of the time, the answer is likely going to be yes to one, some, or all of those questions that, hey, I've had a painful moment. And as a result of that painful moment, here's what I do differently, or here's what I look for in people, here's what I make sure that I don't do with people that I love or a relationship or something that is deeply meaningful to me. So what's that the reason why we're starting there is because I want you to see that, hey, with that painful moment that you've experienced, you have in fact done something positive with it, or it has given you something positive. Maybe not immediately in the moment, and maybe not until way down the line, because at times, with the example I'm about to share, we could have had our eyes closed to even see the goodness that is being delivered to us because of this pain. So when I think about a painful moment in my life, it's really a painful season. And one thing that maybe this is your first time listening, or you haven't listened to too many episodes, but I come from a family with a long-standing trend of alcoholism and mental and emotional abuse. And from my earliest years, I often played the middleman between my parents. And my parents are no longer together. And I remember as a kid just watching these scenes unfold in my home and being so upset that from my earliest years to up until about time to go to college, that I was inserted in the middle the whole time. And that I was almost this intermediary, if you will, to keep the peace. And I was upset. Why is why is this happening? Why can't we have a normal life like the family down the street, not knowing if their lives are normal? But from the outside picture, it it sure looks like it. And I was angry, I was destructive. I saw pain as pain, that there's no possible way you can convince me that these things that are going on in the house right now, that I'm staying up until two, three, four o'clock in the morning on school nights to resolve stuff between my parents or make sure that things don't get too out of hand, or make sure that my little sister doesn't see what's going on, and I'm lying to teachers about why I'm showing up to school late. There's no possible good that I can see in any of this. And it wasn't until I decided to make a promise to myself later on down the line, or as I was getting ready to go to college, that I am not going to put the people that I love and the future family that I, God willing, may have someday, and future spouse that I, God willing, may have someday. I will never put them through this. And I've got to make sure that I put myself in an environment where it's not possible to potentially gain these habits that have plagued my family for so long. Hence why I went to a military college. And from there, then I started doing research. What is it about all of the people? Not all of them, but so many people that we'd love to talk about, whether it's David Goggins, whether it's Jocko Willink, Michael Jordan, the list goes on. One of the of the many common threads that they that they possess is that they have reframed negative events in their lives and turned them into a powerful force that pushes them forward and allows them to inspire change in dozens of lives. And that's where it started to open my eyes to wait a minute. This stuff that's been going on this whole time for over a decade in my life, has actually been helping me this whole time. And it has led me to this place that is only going to further reinforce this commitment that I've made that I'm not going to carry on this trend in my life. The buck stops with me. And I was able to see that holy smokes, pain this whole time has brought me all of this goodness. Yes, in the moment it's tougher to see. And I'm not suggesting that, especially if it relates to something in your family or a recent breakup, that you immediately find the find your friend coming to visit you, and then you're happy. No. But what this is doing is it's creating space so that you can either immediately see or shortly thereafter see that, oh no, we we had some good stuff happen there. And it's okay. So the first piece there again is we want to identify a painful moment and then recognize if it has actually given you something. Can you arrive at that point? So now we can actually see that okay, yeah, you know what? Pain is a good thing because it has given me XYZ. Growing up in a broken household and being there for or being the middleman between my parents gave me the commitment that I have today to serve others, to give back in the community, to ensure that my habits are in alignment with the promise that I've that I've made. Here's how I'm gonna lead a future family, here's how I'm going to lead in the workforce, here's how I'm going to be present with the people that are most important to me and my friends. I smile when I talk about my early years. Yes, I do think about little Ryan in those times, but I also I smile thinking about where little Ryan was and where I am now. Because had I not built a positive relationship with pain and seen that, oh, this actually brought me so much goodness, I could be living my life right now as a 32-year-old, still blaming the universe, still blaming the world. That man, why me? If I just didn't have that upbringing, then I could be at this point. We could I could go back to my parents' house and not have to go to two different places to visit them and all these things. Woe is me. But thankfully, because we've created space, pain is pain is our friend. So, with that, how do we actually apply this? How do we put this into action? And I'll also share how this does come into play in real time and more so in endurance events, because that's where it certainly comes up the most. But now that we've seen, hey, you know what, this is this is how we first recognize the goodness. Secondly, now I want you to download a program in your mind. The beauty of our brains is that they are so malleable. And they're basically what that means is that our brains, I look at it as a computer that we can download new software, we can delete software, we can delete things that no longer serve us, or even this iPhone or God help you, Android. Just kidding, but kind of not. But the iPhone that you're listening to, you can you can add apps that serve you in a certain time, you can delete apps. We can do the same thing with our brains and our belief systems and how we program responses to certain things. So there's this interesting study I found from the University of Columbia with neuroplasticity. And uh, neurogenesis, we generate 700 new neurons a day in our brains. Basically, what that means is that our brains are constantly rebuilding. It's not something that stops after a certain point in time. There's a lot of myths around there, but our our brains are constantly rebuilding, which basically means that our brains are constantly creating space that we can download new programs, we can delete programs. So, with that, I want you to think about what program do you want to download? Whether it's pain is my friend, pain is my buddy, pain is something that helps me grow, whatever the case may be. I personally recommend Pain is my friend. That's the one that I use. Pain is my friend is just coming to visit me right now. And the more that you repeat that before we even get into a moment where it will actually come visit you, like a marathon or whatever the case may be, I want you to play that, play that program in your mind. Sing that song, that favorite song that you sing. I know the new Taylor Swift album that just came out, there's probably people that already have memorized all of the lyrics to all the songs. So basically, what that means is that they have downloaded 12 new programs in their mind because they have continued to replay the lyrics of those songs to where it's second nature. So the more that we play Pain is my friend or whatever the program is, the more that we embed it into our mind, and that when it actually comes to visit you, now we trigger this response in our brains that, oh, it's my friend coming over, man. We're not gonna let pain be the negative voice and let pain be pain because then we're we're fighting against an adversarial force versus welcoming a positive force and friend and companion. So how does this actually get applied? When do we put the program into action? So I love running marathons and ultramarathons and doing hard things. It's something that brings joy to my life that I recommend everybody find something that is hard to you, hard being relative to you. Not everybody needs to be a marathoner or ultra marathoner, but find something that truly challenges you because that's what allows your mind, body, and soul to expand. And when pain does come and visit you, welcome it to the party, just like you would your normal friend. Because now we know that what is that pain bringing you? It's bringing you growth, it is bringing you the qualities that you possess today that you're most proud of. It's bringing you a better version of you, just like we would we would want our normal friends to do. We want to be around people that lift us up, that help make us better, that bring us to a new level. I couldn't imagine anybody listening right now that says, I hope to have a friend that makes me feel bad and shoots me down and makes me not want to push as far hard as I possibly can. No. This pain, yes, it doesn't alleviate the actual physical pain, but this pain is doing the exact opposite of that. It's making you better, it's giving you something because our minds are opened to the fact that, hey, this actually does deliver gifts. And we have evidence that supports that. Whether it's the tough breakup you went through, whether it's the race you endured, whether it's the tough season of life growing up, whatever the case may be, we have so much evidence that pain is good. So I've ran a few marathons recently and have have a couple more big ultra marathons coming up. Uh most recently competed in the in the Chicago Marathon. And around 22, mile 22, on the back half of the course, I was I was just starting to speed up, was planning for a pretty big negative split on the back side, uh, but didn't get everything that we wanted there, but still got still got about a minute faster. But right around 22, 23, I remember it was it was warm, and my pace was now just starting to to decrease a little bit. And legs were quads were extremely hot, and that that that voice is starting to visit you. Hey, you can slow down a little bit. You can slow down a little bit, and then immediately I'm smiling, like, okay, Payne, hey, what's up, man? You know, I'm glad you I'm glad you came to join me. Let's have some fun. And just smiling, like, hey, I'm I'm I'm running with my friend now. Just like I would if I'm running with my actual friends. I'm going on a run with my friend right now. Now, it doesn't mean that all of a sudden you start running at this 530 clip or you you start jolting out of any nowhere. But what I've found that by doing this is that when I do welcome pain to the party and say I'm hanging out with my friend, some of the actual physical pain itself does subside. Versus if it came to visit me, and then I'm thinking about all the negative impacts, and here's how much this sucks, then the very opposite can happen. That pain can increase significantly and actually make me want to stop or give up or not push forward. So in that moment or in those moments, that's what I that's what I think about. I smile, I'm going on a run. I'm just out on a run with my friend right now. I hope you're doing, I hope you're doing well. And another thing I like to do is, you know, when that friend does come to visit, just like you would with your actual friends, have some fun with them. So sometimes to make sure that you know my my friend's getting a little loud, I say, is that all you got? Like, seriously, is that all you've got right now for me? Is that the best you can bring me? You know, kind of like being competitive with one of your friends. Or even I like to do this one too. You know, hey Payne, like, hey Pain gods, can you can you give me some more? Can you give me some more? And I find that that is something that after doing that and repeating it, every step starts to feel a little better. Again, it doesn't immediately diminish what you're facing, but it keeps you moving forward, going further and harder than you believed possible in those moments. So looking back, we're we've first we've taken a step back to identify how how pain has helped us at some point in time, and then think through what program you want to download, practice that, practice that repetition. What do you want that voice to be? What do you want that program to do? How do you want that program to be executed in the moment? And then when it's there, or how how how can we actually apply it? What does that actually look like? I went back and I love taking notes and books. And of course, I wrote, like many of you read Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins years ago. And then I figured if there's anything that I have, an example in a book, uh, what better one than Can't Hurt Me? And I'm sure that my notes somewhere along the way have something about Goggins talking about pain and what what he does and how he manages through it. And I found something that I'll share this quote that I believe illustrates how he doesn't give pain a voice. And then we'll also talk about a science concept related to his example that I learned from Steve Magnus in reading his book and having him on the podcast as well. So this excerpt from Mr. Goggins in none other than the Armored Mind chapter in Can't Hurt Me. And here's here's his quote. I should read this in a Goggins voice, but we'll see.

SPEAKER_01:

People have a hard time going through bugs healthy, and you're going through it on broken legs. Who else would even think of this? I asked. Who else would ever be able to run one minute on one broken leg, let alone two? Only Goggins. You are 20 minutes in the business, Goggins. You are a fucking machine. Each step you run from now on until the end until the will only make you harder.

SPEAKER_03:

That last message cracked the code like a password. My calloused mind was my ticket forward, and at the 40 minute mark, something remarkable happened. The pain receded to low tide. The tape had loosened so it wasn't cutting into my skin, and my muscles and bones were warm enough to take some pounding. The pain would come and go throughout the day, but it became much more manageable. And when the pain did show up, I told myself it was proof of how tough I was and how much tougher I was becoming. Day after day, the same ritual played itself out. I showed up early, duct taped my feet, endured 30 minutes of extreme pain, talked myself through it, and survived. None other than David Goggins. But you see what he says there and what he did. Rather than look at pain as this adversarial force, he looked at it as hey, this thing right now, yeah, it might physically hurt, but it's making me better. And we can push through this. Another thing he did there, if you notice in the in the quote, he spoke in third person calling himself Goggins, and you can do this. And that's actually a concept that I learned from Steve Magnus. Steve is a performance coach, mental performance coach, and a highly regarded in the running space, uh former USA track and field athlete, awesome guy, has written several books about how we can reframe our mind and reframe our thoughts into positive forces. I actually have this on my on my fridge because this was something that really just stood out to me in Steve's book, Do Hard Things. So it talks about how to change how changing one word in your thoughts can boost mental toughness and resilience. So this was actually a study at the University of Michigan. And it's changing the word or the voice, I to you. So notice in that quote from Goggins, he's not saying, I can do this. Now he believes that, but he's saying, Goggins, you can freaking do this. So he's now a third party, as if there's somebody on the sidelines, just like there would be on the marathon, that is shouting out your name, hey Cass, hey Ryan, you can keep freaking going. Now it's almost like this crowd effect. You've got someone else that is rooting for you. And the concept is called psychological distance. So create psychological distance to boost your resilience. And it's again, just by changing the voice I to you, that can be a differentiating factor as to how far you continue pushing, how much longer you last in the fight, in the battle, in the tough season of life, going through the breakup, whatever the case may be at home, just by changing the voice. So it's no longer I can gut dot dot, you can dot dot dot. So as a complement to everything we talked about as it relates to making pain your friend, even the voice that you're using when you're having that conversation with pain can be a differentiating factor. So ultimately, here pain is your friend, you have evidence that you've been through stuff in life that has given you something positive today. And when we're intentional about what program we want to build around that, then when that trigger moment takes place, so in this case, the trigger could be when that physical hurt comes up in a race. Now we have our response ready. We've got that track ready that oh hey man, good to see you. Let's have some fun, let's go dance. Is that all you got for me? Let's go. see let's see how you let's see how you like these next five miles. You won't even believe what I'm gonna do to you. So we can have fun with it too. So it's my wish that by hearing this that this is a call to action for you to think about the program you want to download around pain and to view it as your friend that is going to help you push forward and win today. Thank you so much

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Ryan Cass

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